Drowning

Standard
This is a poem I wrote  while I was going through some pretty rough stuff. I was feeling so much stress, I was grieving from the “loss” of a good friend and I was feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. I needed a way to get my negative feelings out and this is what I came up with.

DROWNING
Naked cold and alone I sit as the bathtub slowly fills. I watch as the water pours from the faucet. I put my hands out and my fingers touch the water.
I can feel it as it beats down on my hands. Drop after drop the beads of water fall from my fingers, down my palms, and off my wrists; rushing down into the tub like the tears that are falling from my eyes.
The water turns cold and I realize that my hands have become numb. Beating after beating each little drop of water has, without intention, taken away my ability to feel. At some point while staring mindlessly at the water I lost my focus.
I turn off the faucet and put my head under the water. As my eyes close I can feel every care slip away.
I AM DROWNING!
When did the calm become chaos? When did my mind get so clouded that I lost sight of my happiness? When did I become so weak that I let the beating water numb me?
I gasp for air and feel my lungs expand as I arise from the water. This isn’t the end. This is the last day I will feel numb. I will not allow the waters of the world beat me down any longer.
I will emerge from this tub; alive.
 –Brittany Kraft 4/29/2016

Wishing for a willy

Status

So the other day I caught Kylee trying to pee sitting backwards on the toilet. Wtf? An image I never expected to see. So I reminded her how we’re supposed to sit on the potty and that was the end of it. 

Well, last night she said this to me… 

“Momma I’m sorry for trying to pee like a boy the other day. It’s just that I’m so jealous that boys get to have a penis and we dont. I mean, it must be so awesome to have a penis. I bet having a penis is so much fun to just take it out whenever you want to. I wish sometimes that I had one too, don’t you?”

Hahahahaha. Yea kid, I wish I had a penis sometime too. It would probably make life a hell of a lot easier. 

Then I Let Go

Standard

This poem has a lot of sentimental meaning to me. At the time I wrote this poem, I was trying to figure out how to move on from a toxic friendship. It was extremely difficult for me to “let go” of this person and move on because they played such a huge roll in my life and were there for me in so many ways for so many years.


Then I Let Go

Today I woke up and thought of you, the same as I always do. I saw your smile. I felt your touch. I closed my eyes and I heard your voice.

I took a walk this afternoon and thought of you, the same as I always do. I miss the time we used to spend together. I miss your voice the most. Everything reminds me of you. Even though you are not around I can still feel you here.

Before I fell asleep I thought of you, the same as I always do. Will this ever get any easier? Why can’t I let go? Sometimes thoughts of you consume my mind. You may not be here, but you are always in my dreams.

Today I woke up and thought of you, the same as I always do. I saw your smile. I felt your touch. I closed my eyes and I heard your voice.

I took a drive this afternoon to get you out of my mind. You have been everywhere lately. I can’t seem to let you go. I went to the place that reminded me of you the most. I just sat there thinking of you. You loved me. You never judged. Always cared. You saved me. I finally realized how to let you go.

Before I fell asleep I saw you. I touched your face. I held your hand. I kissed your cheek. I didn’t have to close my eyes to hear your voice because you were there. You looked tired. Your eyes were sad. You were broken and I was to blame.

Today I woke up and thought of you, the same as I always do. And then I let go.

–Brittany Kraft 4/3/2016

And a crappy new year!

Standard

So far this year has been off to a rocky start. Everyone has been passing a cold back and forth since seriously freaking November! We got a break right around Christmas time and then we rung in the new year sick as shit again. 

Skylar has a double ear infection and I am just now starting to get my voice back. But let’s be honest, my voice has been gone for weeks and it’s mostly because of all the yelling I’ve been doing lately. 

Like I said, it’s been rough, so don’t judge me too hard, ok? Between the stress of the holidays and everyone being sick, I have been past my breaking point for a few weeks now.  I’ve been stopping, breathing, and focusing my ass off (thank you very much Mrs. Lilly in my anger management class for teaching me that). 

Little fights between the kids drive me insane lately. Today we got a bunch of homeschool supplies in the mail for Kylee and the girls started World War III over it. Hello kids, have we not spent our entire lives freaking sharing with each other? Wtf? Anyway, I digress. 

So, how have I been dealing with all of this extra stress? Clearly not very well, since I have no voice from yelling too much. Lol. I’ve been meditating lately to calm myself when I start feeling anxious and frustrated. I’ve been working a lot on minimalizing our lifestyle which has helped me in several ways, but I’ll get into another post about that soon. Hiding in the bathroom, I do that a lot. My family thinks I poop 18 times a day. 

I do confess that I am not one to work on self care, which would probably help me a lot in stressful times like these. My goal for this year is to practice more self care. Maybe that will be the key to a good 2017. 

Just live with it

Standard

I’m unsure why mental illness became this hush hush secret that people are so afraid to talk about. The National Institute of Mental Health says that “bipolar disorder affects approximately 5.7 million adult Americans, or about 2.6% of the U.S. population age 18 and older every year.” Whoa, that is a crap ton of bipolar people in this country.

So if there are so many people suffering from this mental illness, why are we so scared to talk about it? Why does society make it a “taboo” thing to discuss?

Because living with a mental illness fucking sucks; that’s why. It’s hard. It’s scary. Every day is a struggle. 

People who have bipolar I disorder experience full mania, which are periods of elevated moods with erratic behavior. Most of the times, manic symptoms (full mania) lead to serious consequences such as legal problems and self sabotaging behavior. In bipolar II disorder, the “manic” mood swings never actually reach full-blown mania. Hypomania in bipolar II is a milder form of mood elevation.

For me, I do have my times of hypomania, which happen on average maybe twice a year. In my manic state I usually do really stupid shit. Like, Really. Fucking. Stupid. Shit. I’m talking cheating, stealing, having absolutely no regard for consequences to my actions, damaging personal relationships. When I am hypomanic I feel like my mind goes a mile a minute, I am indestructible. I want what I want at that moment and I really don’t care what happens as long as I get that “high” feeling that I’m looking for. I become a whole different person-uninhibited, careless, fearless. It all feels soooo good in the moment but is seriously terrifying when I finally snap out of it.

I don’t experience the hypomanic side of bipolar disorder nearly as much as I experience the depressive side though. Most of my days I am moody and easily irritated. I have a short fuse and a hard time staying motivated. As you can imagine, that doesn’t make for an easy job of parenting. I am pretty sure I yell on a daily basis. I know for sure I cry on a daily basis. I try really hard to be a kind parent but I am always struggling with feeling like I am completely screwing up my kids, which then makes me feel even more depressed. It’s like a never ending cycle, but I can’t give up now so I just live with it.