Today I spent an hour battling my anxiety trying to talk myself into making a phone call to my insurance. A half hour on the phone with the insurance company answering very personal and uncomfortable questions explaining my mental health issues to 2 different people. Another half hour talking to psychologist and therapist offices and setting up intake appointments. This is the 4th time in my life I have had to do this and I know this won’t be the last.
Everyone who knows me personally knows I struggle with certain mental health “issues” that cause me to be the way I am. No, I don’t make plans and cancel at the last minute because I want to. I don’t wake up in the morning fine and happy one day and then struggle to even get out of bed the very next day because I want to. I don’t have meltdowns because I want to. I don’t have mood swings because I want to. I dont want to have my kitchen clean before bed, I HAVE do it it or I cant sleep. I dont want to always have to put things in their place and tidy up. I don’t start things and never finish them because I want to.
I don’t have Bipolar 2 because I want to. I don’t have Anxiety and OCD because I want to. I don’t have PTSD because I want to. I didn’t choose this. If I could take a magic pill and have it all go away I would in a heartbeat.
For those of you that see me and don’t understand what I am even talking about, for those of you who think I’m fine- you are the problem. You are the reason there is such a stigma around mental health issues. You are the reason I have gone years battling my internal demons and not getting the help I need because I’d be “weird” to all of you “normal” people for taking “crazy pills”. For those of you who shame people who have to pop a Prozac in order to function- you are the reason people end their lives. When you push mental health under the rug, when you shame those who are struggling with mental illness, you are killing them. You might as well be pulling that trigger yourself or helping them hang the rope.
It’s time to let go of the stigma. It’s time to move on from all of this. It’s time to start hearing more news about people getting help and less news about people committing suicide. It’s time to be supportive. It’s time to #endthestigma I share my struggles in hopes that someone becomes educated on mental health. If I open 1 persons mind, if I encourage 1 person to get help, if I save 1 persons life then I have done my job.
So things have been calm over here for a little bit. Life has been super normal and I’m happy and giddy. It’s really nice.
But my mind craves “bad” things still, even though things are good. I am working harder than shit to be good and I am doing amazing. So instead of being Crazy Brittany like before and going off and doing stupid skanky things, or dumb things that will get me in trouble I have opted for a less detrimental “thrill” and I think it’s working out nicely. Lol.
I dyed my hair pink. And I love it.
Sorry I fell off the face of the earth for a little while. I kinda do that a lot. It’s one of the oh so lovely challenges that being Bipolar brings. I like to start things and never finish them. I get all these great ideas in my head and plan them out and I’m all go go go until I get burnt out or in a funk, and then I just give up to let my good ideas slowly die. I’ve always had this problem. I love the idea of committing, but I can never actually do it. Gotta love being Bipolar!!!
I’ve been busy with life the last few months. Kids and school and family life and birthdays have kept me occupied. Right after my last post things slowly started turning around. I turned 29. My littlest turned 3 and is now completely potty trained. We got a second car and I’ve been doing a lot more “normal” people things like grocery shopping and going to the zoo with my kids. My other half finally put a ring on it and now I can obsess over this wedding I have been waiting 10 years to plan. Hahaha.
I feel like things around here are as “normal” as it is going to get and I am enjoying it while it lasts. We all know that life is oh so lovely and it’s just a matter of time before the shitshow will be back in town. Until then I will keep doing my thing trying to keep the tiny humans alive and man the fort. This will NOT be the last time you hear from me 🙂
Holy shit what a week. It’s amazing how up and down my emotions have been this week. “Bipolar” doesnt even come close to describing it. Lol. I’m pretty sure I have experienced every emotion under the sun in a matter of 5 days.
Its funny how life seems so big and important in the moment and then looking back all these big moments are just miniscule pieces. Loves, loses, things, memories, feelings…. All just little tiny flecks in the grand scheme of life.
I’ve come to realize how much I cause my own drama. When you see your life is the way it is only because of the choices you make its a hard pill to swallow. Its like I’m watching myself spin around in a giant fucking hamster wheel and I am for some reason unable to stop it.
Emotions suck. I wish I could deal better. I wish I had a point to this post. I wish I had my shit together. I wish for a lot of things but somehow I never seem to have the ability to do anything more that wish. It’s frustrating.
Sometimes a little “grounding” is all you need. Life has been so stressful and I needed to get back in touch with myself. It’s amazing what a little nature will do for the mind. I went for a hike and these are some of my favorite pictures.
2 actually. Yesterday I threw 2 taquitos. It was such a bad day. It’s been a bad week. Ok let’s be honest, it’s been a bad month so far. I am feeling so overwhelmed lately and I can tell that it is making me more and more frustrated with everything.
The kids were a pain yesterday. Skylar is getting to the age where everything is a fight, everything is a whining big deal and she can’t seem to do anything by herself right now. “Cover me. Give me my drink. Help me take off my socks. Hand me that thing that is completely within my reach that I am all of the sudden incapable of getting myself please mom, PLEASE!” All freaking day long.
So by the time Scott got home from work (at 6:45pm) I had been up and stuck at home all day with the kids for 12 freaking hours I was just done with the day. And of course, like always, I don’t even remember what was said but something was said and I just lost it. Absolutely lost it.
I could tell I needed a minute to stop breathe and focus, so I walked into the kitchen and put the gate up so no one else followed me in. I turned the lights off and just stood there for a minute trying to compose myself before I lost my shit. I tried so hard. The tears started flowing and I just felt so emotional and so broken.
I was sitting on my counter top crying next to the stove, which had some lovely and oh so tasty home made taquitos on it that I had made an hour earlier. I flipped that pan over and threw it across the kitchen. The sound the it made as it hit the floor gave me a sense of satisfaction and calmness; instant gratification.
Me mad. Me throw things. Me feel better now. Am I some kind of barbaric cave woman now? Get a grip Britt. Get yourself together. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER! So I left the house and went for a walk to the park. I needed to get out of the house, escape the negative energy and clear my mind. I walked for a few minutes while I meditated and once I started to freeze my butt off I decided it was time to go back home.
Of course when I got back home the gate code didn’t work, so I had to call and ask Scott to open it for me. Thank God for that man. He opened the gate for me, hugged me and pretended like I wasn’t a raging psycho bitch for the last hour and a half.
We put the kids to bed and that was the end of that. Now to clean up this mess (the taquitos AND my crazy ass self).
So we all know I suffer from anxiety and OCD. My struggle with OCD is more control driven. I HAVE to have things in order. Everything has a place and everything in it’s place. (I sound like my dad- cleanliness is next to godliness). I feel like having things orderly is one of the only aspects in life I can truly have control over so I kinda go way overboard.
I get anxious over “things” all the time. Things that are out of place, broken things, useless things, dirty things, all kinds of “things” in my life that cause me anxiety. I spend so much time in my day cleaning, arranging and re areanging, making sure everything is exact. And while my house looks fucking amazing, my mind is slowly going insane.
I finally got fed up and started looking into ways to de clutter my life, hoping to make it easier to spend time with my family. So first I did what everyone does; I joined some Facebook groups on the minimalist lifestyle. I stalked the groups for a while and got a feel for what I needed for me. I then purged a ton of crap, I mean a ton. I went deeper than just minimizing my “things.” I also purged some “friends” and then finally I felt at peace…….for a little while at least.
I have noticed a big change in my mindset after becoming an aspiring minimalist. I’m not going to say I’m there yet, because I still have a long way to go, but slowly I am letting go of all the “things” and starting to fund joy in simplicity. I feel like even though I have less “things” I am living more. ❤